A Birthday Reflection

I'll begin these writings in the same way I left off two years ago, with an emphasis on genuine relationships.

"Bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
People.
People important to you,
People unimportant to you cross your life, touch it with love and move on.
There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of relief and wonder why you ever came into contact with them.
There are people who leave you, and you breathe a sigh of remorse and wonder why they had to go and leave such a gaping hole.
Children leave parents, friends leave friends. Acquaintances move on. People change homes.
People grow apart. Enemies hate and move on. Friends love and move on.
You think of the many people who have moved in and out of your hazy memory.
You look at those present and wonder.
I believe in God's master plan in our lives.
God moves people in and out of each other's lives, and each leaves a mark on the other.
You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who have ever touched your life.
You are more because of them, and would be less if they had not touched you.
Pray that you accept the bits and pieces in humility and wonder, and never question and never regret.
Bits and pieces, bits and pieces."
-Lois Cheney

This poem, shared with me at a very transitional time in my life, is perhaps the most impactful piece of work that I have had the opportunity to come across. It provides a comforting way to be content with the workings God has in plan for our lives. Essentially, a more articulate illustration of the cliche phrases "everything happens for a reason" and "you are the sum of your experiences".

Today I am 23 years old (happy birthday to me) and currently writing this while sitting in a cafe in Florence, Italy. To say that my life has changed since the last time I sat down to write would be an understatement. Since that time, I have graduated college. I have lived in Portland, Bend, and Southern California. I have experienced the highs of helping make change for women in India and the lows of traumatic family loss. I have started two companies, helped with a Ted Talk, and run away to the other side of the world. That all being said, I am slowly starting to realize that the accumulation of my accolades to this point, while being something I am proud of, does not bring the genuine happiness that we should all strive for.

So, with the above noted, I would like to take this two year transition (and my vast 23 years of wisdom), to move from why relationships are important, to what I've learned about love and happiness paralleled with said relationships.

"Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends."
-Henri Nouwen

If nothing else, years from now, I hope that people look at me and say that I was a good friend to them. I know I have fallen short many times, and have actually done plenty to negatively influence people in my life. But, as with any other trait we strive to improve, my goal will be to continually foster an attitude of empathy and service. I'm far from it, but that's kind of exciting right? There is a lot of room for improvement.

For graduation, I asked family and friends to write me a book full of advice in regards to love and relationships. It would serve as words to live by from people whom I idolize. The one that stuck with me the most was from my long-time pastor:

"Relationships that matter the most usually involve love of one kind or another. Many, or perhaps most, will say love is about the heart. Don't believe them. It is so much more than that. For love to last, like a good friendship, requires will.

Eric Fromm, psycho analyst, describes this kind of love in his little book, 'The Art of Loving'. It's a classic and full of many gems. In it he says love is an act of will rather than a feeling. Feelings come and go. Love that is based on feelings is a house built upon sand, it has no foundation and no future. 'To love somebody is not just a strong feeling,' Fromm says, 'it is a decision, a judgement, a promise... Erotic love, if it is love, has one premise that I love from the essence of my being... Love should be essentially an act of will, a decision to commit my life completely to that of one other person.' One who 'falls' in love can just as easily fall out of love. Love is not about falling, it is about willing. It takes the will to love to create a relationship that will stand the test of time."
-Dan Bryant

"Will". The willingness to sacrifice for the things that matter in your life the most. Finding time to foster the relationship with my God in the time I take to read my devotional. Finding the time to call my family and friends back home regardless of the 9 hour time difference. Staying up until 2am to congratulate Sam Moshofsky on his engagement... Wow. These are the relationships that bring me genuine happiness. To me, this is love. On the flip side of the same coin, I have learned that even those relationships that may bring you heartache, are perhaps the ones that need your time the most. To me, this is also love.

Another thing I have learned in regards to happiness, love, and relationships is the art of servant leadership, another trait in which I struggle.

"A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say 'we did it ourselves'"
-Lao Tzu

I find this sobering because for the vast majority of my life, I have always strived to accumulate notoriety and receive positive attention. Every day, I respect those who have the power to remain humble and in the background more and more. Not to say they don't influence those around them, rather they do so without any motives of self promotion. This is what I believe selflessness to be.

I am doing my best to be intentional with my life. I am doing my best to reflect on what I've learned thus far. I am doing my best to be intentional with my life. And this is the most important time to do so:

"Our 20s are the defining decade of adulthood. 80% of life's most defining moments take place by about age 35. 2/3 of lifetime wage growth happens during the first ten years of a career. More than half of Americans are married or are dating or living with their future partner by age 30. Personality can change more during our 20s than at any other decade in life. The brain caps off its last major growth spurt. When it comes to adult development, 30 is not the new 20. Even if you do nothing, not making choices is a choice all the same. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do."
-Meg Jay, The Defining Decade

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to be a part of my life, for leaving your bit and piece.

With love,

Rhett