A Married Man

Hello family, friends, and anyone who happened to click this link by mistake!

Today marks another trip around the sun which coincides with the yearly blog post of updates, gratitude, and lessons I've learned over the past 365 days that will now turn into unneeded advice bestowed upon you.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. no one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us."

- 1John 4: 7-12

What an incredibly simple, and completely unattainable, conviction. This was the scripture I read to my wife, Delaney, when I proposed.

So, a few things to unpack here... Yes, within the last year I got engaged, married, moved into a new apartment, and actually returned from the honeymoon less than a week ago. So to say a lot happened in year 25 would be an understatement. It feels as if the last 5 months have been a sprint and I'm just now learning how to catch my breath. 

Forgive me for lacking the exact quote, but Malcolm Gladwell writes how one of the greatest skills a leader possesses is the art of taking a complex situation and packaging it in a simplified way for others to comprehend. This year, Delaney and I have been doing our best to make it through the entire Bible. As of now, we are both about two weeks behind... but that's not important. So many people, much smarter than myself, have been dissecting the Bible for years, and although countless lessons and direction, I find myself coming back to the aforementioned quote. It serves as a good example of taking an immense book and breaking down one of the most pinnacle themes in context that I can understand and lean into when in need of direction.

"God is love"

Whatever background, belief, class, race, etc. you personally belong to... If you love, you know God. I hope that resonates in an astounding way in your life. Personally, I fall short of showing this unfailing love every day. But I hope to use this as a personal conviction moving forward. To lead with love, and hope that God can work through me here on Earth. The huge bonus now is that I have a partner for life that is willing to hold me accountable to this standard. So, here's a little peak into our marriage plan.

John Mark Comer writes about how marriage for the sake of marriage is doomed in his book Loveology. Happiness is a byproduct of a healthy, mission-focused relationship, not the sole reason for the relationship.

Together, Delaney and I have come up with the following six pillars to hold up relationship, and our life, so that we may bless others and glorify God:

Family:   The home and traditions

Community:   Investing in others and the church

Service:   To whom much is given, much is expected

Wisdom/Gardening:   Personal gifts and calling

Pursuit:   The time for romance

Health/Wellness:   Prioritizing mind and body

We hope that over this past year, those whom we have interacted with have felt loved. And moving forward, with these pillars and foundation to stand on, we hope to invest more time into those around us. It is with so much gratitude I find myself writing today. The people who continually choose to be present in this life humble me daily. Below you can find a few:

Jake and Ashton for the time, patience, and example you set while being willing to share your home.

Drew and Kenzie for allowing Delaney and I the honor of being Godparents to your child.

Tyler for his passion in remaining connected whether across the world or just a few hours south.

And of course my family. Those who have molded me since I was born, and those whom I gained just a couple weeks ago.

Thank you so very much. 

May year 26 be a reflection of love on you, the reader.

-Rhett

25: The Quarter-Life Crisis

I think there are probably two ends of the spectrum in regards to people who have opened this blog post. One side sits close friends, family, and people who are genuinely interested in the progress throughout my life and what I actually have to say. The other side, I would say is filled with eye rolls and statements like, "Is he really doing a blog post for his birthday...". But hey, I'm glad you're here regardless.

This is the third writing that has consecutively taken place on my birthday. Honestly, if any of this unneeded advice serves to help someone, that makes this effort special unto itself. However, if nothing else, it allows me to see how I've grown over the years and just how dumb I was in the past. And I'm sure next year I'll probably say the same thing about where I am now.

So let's get down to it. The big 25! Time for the quarter-life crisis.

It's been over two years since graduating college. About 16 months since returning to the US from living in Europe. And just over a full year since moving to the great city of Portland, Oregon. I still make payments on my soccer mom-looking car that I named Pearl. I still rent a lovely little house with some fantastic roommates and fail to make the yard look nice. I've been lucky enough to start my Nike career which has been a dream of mine. And, believe it or not, I even convinced a wonderful woman to date me.

The aforementioned are the tangible changes in my recent past. Important yes, but I'd love to talk to you more about what I've learned over the past 365 days.

To do this, I would like to break the remainder up into three parts:

Being still, being intentional, and being vulnerable.

Being Still:

“Our 20s are the defining decade of adulthood. 80% of life's most defining moments take place by about age 35. 2/3 of lifetime wage growth happens during the first ten years of a career. More than half of Americans are married or are dating or living with their future partner by age 30. Personality can change more during our 20s than at any other decade in life. The brain caps off its last major growth spurt. When it comes to adult development, 30 is not the new 20. Even if you do nothing, not making choices is a choice all the same. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do.”

-Meg Jay, The Defining Decade

Damn, that's a lot of pressure.

I usually never hear my friends or colleagues say, "Man, I have nothing to do this week," or, "I had such a good night sleep last night," and I'm sure that's true for most of you. Maybe it's pride in proving one's work ethic or perhaps simply the nature and speed of the world today. Regardless, many of us stretch ourselves thin to the point where enjoyable tasks can become obligations, and idols can be made of our day-to-day contributions. I can't tell you how many times I've put off phone calls to friends and family because I told myself I would get to it later. Or how many times I've put off reading my bible because I had simply worked so hard that day, so God would understand...

That's a pretty good sign of when the really important things in life are starting to come second.

I think there are many ways to combat this. 100 people will probably give you 100 different answers from turning off your phone, going outside, taking a vacation, and everything in between. I have no such magic answer, but for me, being still is about being with God.

Too often I think of trying to fit God into my life... My thinking should be the exact opposite. How do I fit into His? How am I apart of his overall plan? Much of those answers can come from being still.

There was an analogy shared with me recently. A friend talked about how sailors, back in the day, would lose all compass bearing when their ships were tossed around in a storm. The only way for them to regain appropriate direction was to drop anchor in a calm bay and wait patiently for a few days.

So many people have good intentions with the pulls on their time. They want to do good in this world, help others, provide, love, etc. But if one is constantly pouring out themselves, even for the benefit of others, it can be very hard to sustain.

Being Intentional:

"Bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
People.
People important to you,
People unimportant to you cross your life, touch it with love and move on.
There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of relief and wonder why you ever came into contact with them.
There are people who leave you, and you breathe a sigh of remorse and wonder why they had to go and leave such a gaping hole.
Children leave parents, friends leave friends. Acquaintances move on. People change homes.
People grow apart. Enemies hate and move on. Friends love and move on.
You think of the many people who have moved in and out of your hazy memory.
You look at those present and wonder.
I believe in God's master plan in our lives.
God moves people in and out of each other's lives, and each leaves a mark on the other.
You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who have ever touched your life.
You are more because of them, and would be less if they had not touched you.
Pray that you accept the bits and pieces in humility and wonder, and never question and never regret.

Bits and pieces, bits and pieces."

-Lois Cheney

This poem continues to be the most influential piece of writing in regards to shaping my attitude toward relationships. And "relationships" is exactly the context I want to use for being intentional.

A relationship with your significant other, your family, your friends, your faith, your passions, are all somewhat mute without intentionality. So what is this buzz word? For me, it's more than making time. It's the conscious decision to see the life of another and the path they are on and want to be apart of it. Coincide that with the willingness to see that commitment through. That is having intention with your actions.

I know that I continually fall short of that lofty goal far too often. So thank you, to all of those that continue to be intentional with me.

Being Vulnerable:

“We are all of us not merely liable to fear, we are also prone to be afraid of being afraid, and the conquering of fear produces exhilaration.…The contrast between the previous apprehension and the present relief and feeling of security promotes a self-confidence that is the very father and mother of courage.”

-Malcom Gladwell, David and Goliath

Perhaps the hardest lesson of all three, is the ability to let yourself be fully known. 

There is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. True vulnerability is neither dominant or submissive, but it should always be regarded as courage. I don't deny the fact that being vulnerable opens ourselves up to fragility, but I contest that without it simply isn't living life to its full potential.

"I think our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted. It means engaging with the world from a place of vulnerability and worthiness."

-Brene Brown

Thank you to all of you who have been a part of this quarter century.

With love,

Rhett

24: A Year of Travel and Insight

When I first started a blog, I did it for a class assignment. Up until recently, I thought that no one, outside of close family, really gave any merit to the words I wrote. And why should they? There are far more talented writers, more traveled and knowledgable people, out there. Yet, more often than I ever would have thought, I've been met with questions about why I have stopped the updates about where life has taken me thus far. So for those of you who believe what I have to say still holds substance, thank you. In a very noisy world, the value of listening cannot be overstated.

It's been a year since I've last sat down and written about the takeaways from life experiences. Last time, I sat in a noisy cafe in Florence, Italy. My life was very different then. Over this past year I've been lucky enough to travel the world. I've lived in Europe and got the opportunity to see roughly 14 countries. From an outside perspective, the social media interpretation presented a perfect life.

With hesitation and an understanding that my words may come across as ungrateful, it wasn't.

People would always assume that the travel was my favorite aspect of the job. Rather, the fact that I could use this platform as a catalyst to meet a plethora of new people every single day was my biggest motivator. For anyone that has kept up with my writings to this point, you will find it as no surprise that the overall theme of yet another post will revolve around the value of relationships.

Since returning to the States, I've been met time and time again with phrases like, "Why did you ever leave?" and "Do you miss it?". These are tough questions to answer. I have been very blessed to see the things I've seen, do the things I've done, and meet the people I've met, but I'm much happier here at home. To offer some insight, in Europe, working for the company I worked for was similar to being the football star on campus. Everyone knew your name, you were met with free food and drinks when out at night, and you could live a lifestyle with little consequence. For a while, it seemed like the pinnacle of any post college job opportunity. Yet, for the most part, it was shallow. I would confide in certain people that I was not the person I wanted to be while working overseas. Although I believe one has the ability to rise above their circumstances and live in accordance to whatever moral code they believe is right, I will admit that I am not that strong. In order to develop my character in the direction I wanted, I needed to take hold of what I truly valued. Which, as you may have already gathered, brings us back to an investment in genuine relationships.

Furthering this point, here's what a nearly 80-year-old Harvard study had to say on the subject:

"Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes. That finding proved true across the board among both the Harvard men and the inner-city participants."

Ask yourself when you are happiest. If you are like me, it is not circumstantial based on the activity. No, for me it is far more dependent on depth of community present in that moment. I had my best friend Drew take time off for the first time in 3 years so he could visit me. I had Nolan call while I was abroad because he missed me (He'll never admit that). I had Samantha reach out to me for life advice because she truly valued what I had to say. I had Rhoman show me how proud he was of his report card. I had people sacrifice time and effort because they valued a relationship with me. That is a fiercely humbling experience that I hope to never take for granted.

I am a realist however. I know that relationships, good and bad, may be fleeting. Years ago, I was given this poem at a very transitional point in my life and it still holds true.

"Bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
People.
People important to you,
People unimportant to you cross your life, touch it with love and move on.
There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of relief and wonder why you ever came into contact with them.
There are people who leave you, and you breathe a sigh of remorse and wonder why they had to go and leave such a gaping hole.
Children leave parents, friends leave friends. Acquaintances move on. People change homes.
People grow apart. Enemies hate and move on. Friends love and move on.
You think of the many people who have moved in and out of your hazy memory.
You look at those present and wonder.
I believe in God's master plan in our lives.
God moves people in and out of each other's lives, and each leaves a mark on the other.
You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who have ever touched your life.
You are more because of them, and would be less if they had not touched you.
Pray that you accept the bits and pieces in humility and wonder, and never question and never regret.
Bits and pieces, bits and pieces."

-Lois Cheney

I come back to the above poem a lot. It allows me to be content in the evolution of our journeys. No matter who you meet and the depth of impact they have, they will continue to live on through your character.

So what now? New house, new car, new church up here in Portland. It is yet another step of progression into trying to figure out this whole life thing. And, to be honest, I'm less confident in my abilities now than I ever have been before. Yet, if there is one thing I hold on to, it's the people. I may not be good at a lot of things, but I hope I can be the person that lets others know they are valued.

23 was a good year with humbling experiences. Here's to 24.

A Birthday Reflection

I'll begin these writings in the same way I left off two years ago, with an emphasis on genuine relationships.

"Bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
People.
People important to you,
People unimportant to you cross your life, touch it with love and move on.
There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of relief and wonder why you ever came into contact with them.
There are people who leave you, and you breathe a sigh of remorse and wonder why they had to go and leave such a gaping hole.
Children leave parents, friends leave friends. Acquaintances move on. People change homes.
People grow apart. Enemies hate and move on. Friends love and move on.
You think of the many people who have moved in and out of your hazy memory.
You look at those present and wonder.
I believe in God's master plan in our lives.
God moves people in and out of each other's lives, and each leaves a mark on the other.
You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who have ever touched your life.
You are more because of them, and would be less if they had not touched you.
Pray that you accept the bits and pieces in humility and wonder, and never question and never regret.
Bits and pieces, bits and pieces."
-Lois Cheney

This poem, shared with me at a very transitional time in my life, is perhaps the most impactful piece of work that I have had the opportunity to come across. It provides a comforting way to be content with the workings God has in plan for our lives. Essentially, a more articulate illustration of the cliche phrases "everything happens for a reason" and "you are the sum of your experiences".

Today I am 23 years old (happy birthday to me) and currently writing this while sitting in a cafe in Florence, Italy. To say that my life has changed since the last time I sat down to write would be an understatement. Since that time, I have graduated college. I have lived in Portland, Bend, and Southern California. I have experienced the highs of helping make change for women in India and the lows of traumatic family loss. I have started two companies, helped with a Ted Talk, and run away to the other side of the world. That all being said, I am slowly starting to realize that the accumulation of my accolades to this point, while being something I am proud of, does not bring the genuine happiness that we should all strive for.

So, with the above noted, I would like to take this two year transition (and my vast 23 years of wisdom), to move from why relationships are important, to what I've learned about love and happiness paralleled with said relationships.

"Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends."
-Henri Nouwen

If nothing else, years from now, I hope that people look at me and say that I was a good friend to them. I know I have fallen short many times, and have actually done plenty to negatively influence people in my life. But, as with any other trait we strive to improve, my goal will be to continually foster an attitude of empathy and service. I'm far from it, but that's kind of exciting right? There is a lot of room for improvement.

For graduation, I asked family and friends to write me a book full of advice in regards to love and relationships. It would serve as words to live by from people whom I idolize. The one that stuck with me the most was from my long-time pastor:

"Relationships that matter the most usually involve love of one kind or another. Many, or perhaps most, will say love is about the heart. Don't believe them. It is so much more than that. For love to last, like a good friendship, requires will.

Eric Fromm, psycho analyst, describes this kind of love in his little book, 'The Art of Loving'. It's a classic and full of many gems. In it he says love is an act of will rather than a feeling. Feelings come and go. Love that is based on feelings is a house built upon sand, it has no foundation and no future. 'To love somebody is not just a strong feeling,' Fromm says, 'it is a decision, a judgement, a promise... Erotic love, if it is love, has one premise that I love from the essence of my being... Love should be essentially an act of will, a decision to commit my life completely to that of one other person.' One who 'falls' in love can just as easily fall out of love. Love is not about falling, it is about willing. It takes the will to love to create a relationship that will stand the test of time."
-Dan Bryant

"Will". The willingness to sacrifice for the things that matter in your life the most. Finding time to foster the relationship with my God in the time I take to read my devotional. Finding the time to call my family and friends back home regardless of the 9 hour time difference. Staying up until 2am to congratulate Sam Moshofsky on his engagement... Wow. These are the relationships that bring me genuine happiness. To me, this is love. On the flip side of the same coin, I have learned that even those relationships that may bring you heartache, are perhaps the ones that need your time the most. To me, this is also love.

Another thing I have learned in regards to happiness, love, and relationships is the art of servant leadership, another trait in which I struggle.

"A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say 'we did it ourselves'"
-Lao Tzu

I find this sobering because for the vast majority of my life, I have always strived to accumulate notoriety and receive positive attention. Every day, I respect those who have the power to remain humble and in the background more and more. Not to say they don't influence those around them, rather they do so without any motives of self promotion. This is what I believe selflessness to be.

I am doing my best to be intentional with my life. I am doing my best to reflect on what I've learned thus far. I am doing my best to be intentional with my life. And this is the most important time to do so:

"Our 20s are the defining decade of adulthood. 80% of life's most defining moments take place by about age 35. 2/3 of lifetime wage growth happens during the first ten years of a career. More than half of Americans are married or are dating or living with their future partner by age 30. Personality can change more during our 20s than at any other decade in life. The brain caps off its last major growth spurt. When it comes to adult development, 30 is not the new 20. Even if you do nothing, not making choices is a choice all the same. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do."
-Meg Jay, The Defining Decade

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to be a part of my life, for leaving your bit and piece.

With love,

Rhett